Traffic is one of life's many obstacles, like paedophiles or Ryle Nugent. It's also a fantastic place to observe society and the creatures that dwell within in it.
You see traffic really has nothing to do with cars and EVERYTHING to do with people, the reason there's traffic in the first place is because the local councillor or town planner was probably too busy murdering a small family in the Ukraine to be bothered with something like traffic congestion. What happens when a new roundabout gets put in or a new set of traffic lights? Exactly the traffic gets worse, how has this not occurred to whoever the fuck is in charge of traffic in Ireland. When has this ever worked? They might as well have a pizza box in charge of regulating traffic flow.
Next time you’re in traffic take a look around at all the other window lickers trapped in a sea of automotive incompetence, there’s an immense amount of emotions on display, you’ve got the complete and utter psychopath who’s clearly lost his mind because he’s 3 and a half minutes late for his “Rageaholics Anonymous” meetings, you know, because he’s addicted to “Rageahol”. He sits there in his car plotting the slow and painful deaths of all that dwell in the cars around him for the simple reason that he blames you for the traffic, even if you’re in the car behind him, it’s still your fault. And God help you if you happen to make eye contact with this Dark Lord of the Traffic Jam, because all his hate and rage will now be focused on you and don’t be surprised for one second if he follows you home and stalks you for weeks before eventually killing you and disposing of your remains by means of his pig farm. Then of course you have the panic ridden old dears stuck in the jam who look like they’ve just found out they have been diagnosed with Ebola. They’re so over whelmed with fear and desperation because they’ve either forgotten to cook a meal for their hubby or they’ve left their horrible little brats with some poor eastern European prostitute moonlighting as a child minder.
In traffic you can also tell a lot about the people inside of the cars by what car they happen to be in. There’s the socially conscience “Vegetarian” in her hybrid car, a Toyota Prius or some such nonsense, lording it over the rest of us, with that smug look on her face, that you just want to slap off with a dead fish. There’s also the “Yummy Mummy” in her 8.5 litre SUV that her husband bought her, the same SUV that actually kills a polar bear and a baby seal every time you turn the key in the ignition and the only reason her husband bought it for was to make her feel safe, it might very well make her feel safe but it sure as hell scares the shit out all of us. Putting on lipstick and texting all while operating a fucking Panzer is one way to scare the living fuck out of each and every other road user. Then of course you have the “Boy Racers” in their shitty 200 year old Fiesta’s with 38 inch “rims” and then there’s their most heinous crime those mind numbingly loud exhausts that deafen small children and kill small woodland creatures, it’s a crime that in my opinion should be punishable by public castration and a hot lead enema.
P.S. You should check out the advertisements on my Blog if your interested.
Monday 15 March 2010
Tuesday 23 February 2010
Danger
As far as I'm concerned we all seem to under constant and ever pending danger and should therefore build nuclear fallout bunkers under ground, hide there alone and wait for the sweet release of death!
Every where you look there is a news headline about something new that gives you cancer and will therefore force you to suffer a agonising death, I read an article once ( I can't remember where, probably on a some link I accidently clicked while pornographizing) that said tap water gives you cancer! TAP FUCKING WATER!!!!!!! Don't be specific or anything "Mr. Scientist" what next? You can picture two mentalist germans in a laboratory somewhere chatting about it, "You are more likely to contract AIDS if you breathe air? Do they just hold up a piece of paper with random shit written on it and throw a dart at it? "What did it land on this time Dr. Oetker?" "Vell Jurgen, dis veek ve shall tell them, ze cup cakes cause cancer!".
It's ridiculous you can't drive and use your mobile phone, the fact that this is actually a law, speaks volumes for the world we live in today! It's legal to smoke cancer giving cigarettes but to have a conversation while driving is deemed to be too dangerous? Having a conversation behind the wheel is too dangerous is it? Chatting to a passenger while having a smoke should be illegal too (it equates to the same as chatting on your mobile......think about it) if you can't have a bloody chat and drive at the same time, you shouldn't be driving, if chat makes you more likely to have an accident it means YOU are a bad driver not that chatting is dangerous.
The health and safety epidemic that the world has been engulfed with is far worse than swine flu, bird flu or monkey flu. It has even ravaged T.V. gone are the days when Alf Ramsey could do a line murder a brazzer and a few orphans with no censorship neccesary nowadays he works in a bloody juice bar! I can't remember the last time he pimp and orphan that showed up at Ayrene's house!
So next time you fancy being "Safe", maybe having a quiet night in, DON'T maybe start to deal Crack or join Al Qaeda instead!
Every where you look there is a news headline about something new that gives you cancer and will therefore force you to suffer a agonising death, I read an article once ( I can't remember where, probably on a some link I accidently clicked while pornographizing) that said tap water gives you cancer! TAP FUCKING WATER!!!!!!! Don't be specific or anything "Mr. Scientist" what next? You can picture two mentalist germans in a laboratory somewhere chatting about it, "You are more likely to contract AIDS if you breathe air? Do they just hold up a piece of paper with random shit written on it and throw a dart at it? "What did it land on this time Dr. Oetker?" "Vell Jurgen, dis veek ve shall tell them, ze cup cakes cause cancer!".
It's ridiculous you can't drive and use your mobile phone, the fact that this is actually a law, speaks volumes for the world we live in today! It's legal to smoke cancer giving cigarettes but to have a conversation while driving is deemed to be too dangerous? Having a conversation behind the wheel is too dangerous is it? Chatting to a passenger while having a smoke should be illegal too (it equates to the same as chatting on your mobile......think about it) if you can't have a bloody chat and drive at the same time, you shouldn't be driving, if chat makes you more likely to have an accident it means YOU are a bad driver not that chatting is dangerous.
The health and safety epidemic that the world has been engulfed with is far worse than swine flu, bird flu or monkey flu. It has even ravaged T.V. gone are the days when Alf Ramsey could do a line murder a brazzer and a few orphans with no censorship neccesary nowadays he works in a bloody juice bar! I can't remember the last time he pimp and orphan that showed up at Ayrene's house!
So next time you fancy being "Safe", maybe having a quiet night in, DON'T maybe start to deal Crack or join Al Qaeda instead!
Monday 8 February 2010
Tuesday 26 January 2010
Cock Blocking
Dear World,
In part two of my blog, I have decide to address the issue of "Cock Blocking", if you don't know what this means you shouldn't be reading my blog and if you'd like it explained please feel very free to fuck off, it is an issue that effects all people from all walks of life the entire world over. Ever second of every day a cock is blocked, sure enough as your reading this on your computer wherever you are in the world someone is performing this hideous act to a man or woman close to you.
There are however many different types of "Cock Blocks" and I shall address the ones I am familiar with but if you can think of one that I have left out please feel very free to bring it to my attention, although your probably wrong and I will dismiss any input or comments left as cuntish carry on!
The Accidental Block: this is the most common and least heinous of all the blocks and has been done by the vast majority of us. It is when a cock is blocked without intent by a blocker or blockers, usually by saying something fucking retarded to the man or woman that is about to give or receive the cock in question. It can also happen as a direct result of the raw sex appeal of the blocker, when he/she drags away a potential target from said "cocker", a less common occurrence as it is rarely brought to the attention of those around, but it happens!
The Bible Block: This is a block done in order to save a comrade who has either been struck down by excessive consumption of "grandma's old cough medicine" or lack of action otherwise known as sweaty palms syndrome. We've all done it seen a friend about to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a creature not quite farmyard not quite people but a horrible mix of both and stepped in and put the foul beast down or rescued the friend question despite the fact that he/she is furious with you and attempts physically violence because you drove off the "hottest guy/chick" in the club/public toilet, even though you did it with a crucifix and a machete!
The Nun Block: This is a block only ever carried out by females and ladies please do explain why this is only done by females? It baffles me and every other sexually enlightened male on the planet. A Nun Block is when a shrivelled up shrew of a best mate or D.U.F.F. steps in and stops a girl going home with what she thinks is a perfect gentleman who usually never does this type of thing but well make an exception due to how beautiful the said chick is. Is this because the D.U.F.F. in question is just a horrible dried up bottom feeding should live in a landfill hairy lipped bitch? I mean she says it's because she doesn't want you to think her mate is a slut, but this went out the window when her friend whispered in your ear how she can't wait to feel you inside her while your fingers were inside her, next to the ginger kid puking behind the speaker. This one as of this second truly is a doosie and one I can't quite fathom.
The Green Block: This ladies and gentlemen is the worst act another human being can perform. If you have ever done this you deserve a horrible death involving caustic soda coated tampons and a Tom Jones album. In fact if you have done this fuck off and stop reading my blog you motherless fuck! We've all seen this go down a guy/girl pulls a "hottie" and a "friend" of theirs steps in a outrageously blocks the giving or taking of cock for the simple fact they didn't pull nor could they pull due to hideous deformation of either body or personality, these people aren't even considered by Santa and are on their own special list known to Mr. Claus as the "Filthy Fucks" list, not to be confused with the "Filthy Fuck" list which is an infinitely more pleasurable list.
I'll leave you all with these words of wisdom, stop hatin' on a playa/playette and start appreciatin'!!!
In part two of my blog, I have decide to address the issue of "Cock Blocking", if you don't know what this means you shouldn't be reading my blog and if you'd like it explained please feel very free to fuck off, it is an issue that effects all people from all walks of life the entire world over. Ever second of every day a cock is blocked, sure enough as your reading this on your computer wherever you are in the world someone is performing this hideous act to a man or woman close to you.
There are however many different types of "Cock Blocks" and I shall address the ones I am familiar with but if you can think of one that I have left out please feel very free to bring it to my attention, although your probably wrong and I will dismiss any input or comments left as cuntish carry on!
The Accidental Block: this is the most common and least heinous of all the blocks and has been done by the vast majority of us. It is when a cock is blocked without intent by a blocker or blockers, usually by saying something fucking retarded to the man or woman that is about to give or receive the cock in question. It can also happen as a direct result of the raw sex appeal of the blocker, when he/she drags away a potential target from said "cocker", a less common occurrence as it is rarely brought to the attention of those around, but it happens!
The Bible Block: This is a block done in order to save a comrade who has either been struck down by excessive consumption of "grandma's old cough medicine" or lack of action otherwise known as sweaty palms syndrome. We've all done it seen a friend about to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a creature not quite farmyard not quite people but a horrible mix of both and stepped in and put the foul beast down or rescued the friend question despite the fact that he/she is furious with you and attempts physically violence because you drove off the "hottest guy/chick" in the club/public toilet, even though you did it with a crucifix and a machete!
The Nun Block: This is a block only ever carried out by females and ladies please do explain why this is only done by females? It baffles me and every other sexually enlightened male on the planet. A Nun Block is when a shrivelled up shrew of a best mate or D.U.F.F. steps in and stops a girl going home with what she thinks is a perfect gentleman who usually never does this type of thing but well make an exception due to how beautiful the said chick is. Is this because the D.U.F.F. in question is just a horrible dried up bottom feeding should live in a landfill hairy lipped bitch? I mean she says it's because she doesn't want you to think her mate is a slut, but this went out the window when her friend whispered in your ear how she can't wait to feel you inside her while your fingers were inside her, next to the ginger kid puking behind the speaker. This one as of this second truly is a doosie and one I can't quite fathom.
The Green Block: This ladies and gentlemen is the worst act another human being can perform. If you have ever done this you deserve a horrible death involving caustic soda coated tampons and a Tom Jones album. In fact if you have done this fuck off and stop reading my blog you motherless fuck! We've all seen this go down a guy/girl pulls a "hottie" and a "friend" of theirs steps in a outrageously blocks the giving or taking of cock for the simple fact they didn't pull nor could they pull due to hideous deformation of either body or personality, these people aren't even considered by Santa and are on their own special list known to Mr. Claus as the "Filthy Fucks" list, not to be confused with the "Filthy Fuck" list which is an infinitely more pleasurable list.
I'll leave you all with these words of wisdom, stop hatin' on a playa/playette and start appreciatin'!!!
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